Friday, June 19, 2009

Joe the Plumber is a Jerk


Here's an actual email thread between our main man Vihar and an honest to goodness "Joe the Plumber" after the latter threw a lob for a Craigslist ad.

After that, in typical Vihar fashion, "It was on mufugger!"

Original Craigslist posting at the bottom -- read up from there.

> From: Vihar Gupta
> Subject: Need a Plumber to Diagnose and Solve Slow Drain
> Issue (Wicker Park/Bucktown)‏
> To: joseph mule
> Date: Wednesday, June 17, 2009, 2:57 PM

Judging by your reaction, looks like you were "pegged right."

Don't worry, I don't judge you because you like cock. Not my cup of tea, but It's 2009, fer’ chrissake.

Oh, and sorry about that John McCain thing.

--- On Wed, 6/17/09, joseph mule wrote:

> From: joseph mule
> Subject: Re: Need a Plumber to Diagnose and Solve Slow Drain Issue
>
> To: "Vihar Gupta"
> Date: Wednesday, June 17, 2009, 4:41 PM
>
> Hey
>
> fuck head why dont u fuck yourself u cheap fuckin
> homo...People like u should be shot...Um i dont suck dick
> but im sure for 80 bucks u can blow someone who will u
> fuckin cunt mothefucker.
>
> --- On Wed, 6/17/09, Vihar Gupta wrote:
>
>
> From: Vihar Gupta
> Subject: Need a Plumber to Diagnose and Solve Slow Drain Issue
> To: thetazz12002@yahoo.com
> Date: Wednesday, June 17, 2009, 2:57 PM
>
>
> Sir,
>
> While I don't doubt that you give a mighty good blow
> job, I am offering $80 for somebody to clear my water pipes,
> not my dick.
>
> I just want to ensure the problem doesn't come back 2
> days later like it did the last time I paid a guy $75 to do
> the job two weeks ago -- which is why I said I'd pay the
> balance after a month to make sure the job was done right.
>
> Anyway, good luck with that sucking dick thing.
>
> I'm sure eventually, somebody will pay you more than 35
> bucks.
>
> --- On Wed, 6/17/09, : joseph mule wrote:
>
> From: mailto:iperezic1@comcast.net
> To: gigs-dt5gm-1226257552@craigslist.org
> Subject: Need a Plumber to Diagnose and Solve Slow Drain Issue
> Date: Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:42:02 -0500
>
>
> I should take the job just to show up and kick your ass. $35? Even you
> mom charged me more for the blowjob
>
> Joe
>
>
Original CL Post

Need a Plumber to Diagnose and Solve Slow Drain Issue
Date: 2009-06-17, 12:53PM CDT

My bathtub has a very slow drain. Please read below for details before responding:

1) I had someone come and snake it out about a year ago.
2) And despite using a hair catcher daily in the shower, it’s gotten slow again.
3) Drano would help a little bit, but not much, before it stopped helping altogether – as a result, the tub was taking an hour to drain after a shower
4) I called a handyman 2 weeks ago who once again snaked it (about 20 ft)
5) And although the drain appeared to clear, what was odd was that nothing came out attached to the snake. No hair or debris. Nothing. He wondered if he had somehow pushed the obstruction further down.
6) Anyway, since the tub was draining quickly, I paid him
7) Within a week the drain started slowing again -- to the point where it's taking a half hour for the tub to drain once again
8) I used a mixture of 1 cup baking soda and 1 cup vinegar and a kettle of boiling water last night, but it didn't help
9) I live on the second floor of a 3-flat condo building and have access to the basement. No other drains in my house are slow and the unit below mine is not having any issues.

So now I'm looking for a pro, once again. However to ensure the job is done right this time, I'm only going to pay $35 up front after the obstruction is cleared, and an additional $45 after one month if the problem is STILL solved. I don’t want to have to keep doing this.

Labels: , , , ,


Read more idiocy...

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Karmic Soap on a Rope




Pathetic.

I sometimes question how I can still be a Bengals fan after all these years with absolutely no silver linings on this cloud. Maybe I'm just sick and twisted.

Eh, that's a given.

But then I figured it out. I'm a Hindu.

And Hindus believe in cycles of reincarnation until all karmic debts are paid off.

Therefore, I'm now beginning to believe that the Bengals are *MY* karmic cleanser. Sticking and suffering with 'em should shave a couple of rebirth cycles for me.

Or at least mitigate sophomore year in college. Yes, they're THAT bad.

Labels: , , ,


Read more idiocy...

Monday, June 02, 2008

June 9th, 2008: Shay Day!


Artist's conception of ballgame in question.

I just got the following email from a friend (grammar warts and all).

Two Choices
What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.
Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?



At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech thatwould never be forgotten by all who attended. After
extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued.
'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, anopportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?'
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is
in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but
was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the
potential winningrun was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the rightfielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high
andfar over the third-baseman' s head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home!
Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero
who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down hisface, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love andhumanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero ofthe day!


AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands
of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to
sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude,vulgar, and
often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about
decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. If you're thinking
about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the
people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this
type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can
make a difference.We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to
help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial
interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a
little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave
the world a little bit colder in the process? A wise man once said every society
is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices:



1. Delete
2. Forward May your day, be a Shay Day.





Okay, I'm going to address this one point-by-point.

Email: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection..."

Salil: Uh, okay, daddy-o. So how do you explain your son? Clearly, everything in nature is not perfect. But you sure sound like you love your Bible. I'm already on my guard for what comes next.

Email: "The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' "

Salil: Really? So the opportunity isn't for Shay? It's for the world? Shay's just a lost cause, huh? Yeah, I can tell you're shortlisted for a Father of the Year Award.

Email: "Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his sonwere allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense ofbelonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of hishandicaps."

Salil: Sounds like Shay's father is not only bigoted against handicapped people, he's also prejudiced against non-handicapped people, too. And obviously, what Shay needs most to help his self-esteem is to play baseball on a team that wouldn't want him to play on it, and that plays at a level beyond his abilities. That's just a brilliant idea for any handicapped child. See above-mentioned FOTY Award. He just moved up another notch.

And by "up," I mean "down." And by "a," I mean "several."

Email: "Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart."

Salil:

Email: "Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball."

Salil: Really? Everyone knew that, huh? Because no person with a physical disability could ever hit a ball, right? That would be all but impossible! Shay was holding the bat the wrong way, Shay was happy just to be in the outfield, Shay is just a cuddly little goofy fucker, isn't he? Gosh.

Email: "However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact."

Salil: There you have it. When confronted with someone who has a disability, you must immediately lower your standards or expectations, because the poor dears are really lucky to be getting a shot at all, and you have a shot at changing their life just by making sure they succeed through any means possible!

(That's how we got our President, did you know that?)

Email: "He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled...Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base...Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base."

Salil: Seriously. That's just offensive now. What's with the strange reveling in a handicapped child's lack of physical grace? Also, I have no idea how someone runs while gleaming and struggling. But there it is again, a "normal" person condescendingly setting a handicapped person on the right path. That's the only way Shay would have ever found third base.

Just like telling this story to a chick in a bar is probably the only way the email author can get to third base.

Email: "...the rightfielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood thepitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman' s head."

Salil: So now the "smallest guy on the field" is basically almost handicapped himself? Email Forward, who do you not hate, you Size-ist bastard?

So this guy--a cross between Tiny Tim, Jackie RObinson, and Jesus--sacrifices his chance for glory and fame in the incredibly cut-throat field of Little Kids Playing Baseball In A Vacant Lot for the chance to provide this 'tarded kid a chance at finally having some satisfaction in his life.

Is anyone else feeling just the slightest bit nauseous here?

Email: "Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, andcoming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero ofthe day!"

Salil: Ah, there it is. Where would a heartrending story about 'tards be without the kid dying? That's just so sad it makes me want to pound the snot out of the person who wrote this total bullshit email so hard that he won't be able to walk around unescorted anymore, and one day his dad will be walking past a baseball game with the brain-damaged email author in tow, and a bunch of kids DO NOT LET HIM PLAY and he dies alone, crying.


Email: "Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process? A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them. You now have two choices:
1. Delete


2. Forward May your day, be a Shay Day."

Salil: Ah, what a clever little dichotomy you've set up, Email Forward! So the first choice (love and humanity" corresponds to "Forward This Stupid Email On / I Celebrated Shay Day at Key West By Taking Off This T-Shirt!" and "Leave the world a cold place" goes with "Delete This Stupid Email and Mock the Person Who Sent It To Me Mercilessly."

Well, it's obvious which choice I went with.

Here's the real moral: a story about a dead kid with an unnamed disability will translate into an automatic email forward, and will circulate around the Internet for all eternity, because with each passing moment the general population is only becoming more like Shay in their mental abilities. I envision the day when having a birth defect, chromosomal abnormality, or getting into an accident will actually raise the IQ of the average individual who reads crap like this and decides to send it on to all points of their address book.




Read more idiocy...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Odell Rant, Part Deux

Would you blame the guy?


I imagine only a fraction of you follow pro football, let alone my favorite team, the Cincinnati Bengals in any form, but I'm in the mood to rant. So Blunt Instrument is my preferred outlet. As is facebook. And email. And a sportsbar. And...

Anyway, the recent news about Pacman Jones and Ricky Williams has me once again thinking about Odell Thurman.


So let me get this straight. Roger Goodell is willing to reinstate Ricky Williams who has been suspended multiple times for abusing marijuana - which is illegal. Meanwhile, Odell is being kept out of the league (for what amounts to two full seasons) for abusing alcohol - a legal substance. Ricky has gone public with his social anxiety disorder as a driver for him to smoke marijuana as a coping mechanism. Odell Thurman has publicly admitted that he suffers from alcoholism -- which many now believe has genetic basis, and is also widely considered a psychological disorder.

Is this not a double standard by the NFL? The NFLPAs actions (or should I say inaction) are equally puzzling. They are willing to put in an appeal to the NFL for why Pacman's suspension was NOT REDUCED from one season (even though he plead in away that verifies his involvement in a scary incident that ended with someone paralyzed). Yet they failed to go to bat for Odell when his suspension was inexplicably extended from one to two seasons?

What is it that we're missing? The fact that Odell is being so grossly over-penalized by the NFL and that the NFLPA is keeping its distance, it is outright baffling to me that nobody can explain the justification.

What? Did he kick Roger Goodell's dog? Sleep with Gene Upshaw's wife? Is he enriching uranium? What is it?!?

Those who follow the NFL know how badly the Bengals have needed a linebacker this year. They're getting to the point where any of us could probably go out there and put on the pads for them with the amount of LBs they have injured. Yes indeed, the Bengals are bad. But a halfway competent linebacker compared to the stiffs they are rolling out there now could have resulted in at least one or two games to go differently for them this year - the game with the Browns comes to mind.

Read more idiocy...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

As if Ben Affleck Weren't enough Reason....

Even this dog has had the cojones to pee on the legs of German Shepards and Dobermans this fall without fear of recourse.

Being the resident sports topic writer here, I have to pose a question. Has ANY other city EVER had it so good as Boston right now?

  1. The Patriots are not only undefeated near the half-way point of the season, but they are just steamrolling everyone in their path and are on pace to shatter records all over the place.
  2. The Red Sox, according to ESPN, are also playing historic baseball these days. No team has ever scored double digit runs in three post season games and Josh Beckett is about as dominating as Tom Brady is. With how rusty the Rockies looked last night in Game 1, Boston may make quick work of this World Series.
  3. BC is undefeated #2 in the BCS Standings, positioned to be playing for the National Championship in January. They may even leapfrog the Buckeyes (or at least take away some of the 1st place votes) with a convincing showing against the #8 Hokies on the road this weekend.
  4. What really got me thinking about this was reading the chatter that's heating up regarding the upcoming NBA season. After years of being also-rans, the Celtics are going into this season with the most buzz of any team in the league. Though whether they are title worthy is debatable, they are definitely going to be a team everyone pays attention to this year with their new trio of Garnett, Allen, and Pierce.
  5. I don't follow the NHL at all so I don't know a damn thing about the Bruins. Nor do I care.
Although I personally don't have any problems with the city of Boston, since I loved the show CHEERS and because Cincinnati sports teams hardly compete with any Boston teams on a yearly basis, this is still quite sickening. I may not be able to read another Bill Simmons column the rest of the year.

However, as a Cincinnati sports fan, I am thankful that the Big Red Machine pounded Carlton Fisk and the Sox...back when I was 18 months old.

We'll at least I'll forever have that over your head Bean-town, if nothing else -- from the immediate future.

Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,


Read more idiocy...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Chips, baby, CHIPS!

I can't make this stuff up...

first, watch the 49 second video below...



after you pick up your jaw....check out the crew from Oswego, NY...



...and I give respect where respect is due...Shockwave's beatboxing is solid and there were a few rhymes that I can respect...but "Sour Cream and Onion, Son???"...who the hell do you think you are?...



here is a true IM convo that I had with my boy Rob about the aforementioned topic

Ank: no comments on the CHIPS video??
rob***********: i was actually just about to view it
rob***********: same as we saw before though, no?
Ank: perfect timing then
Ank: oh no
Ank: the first one, well yes...but worth watching again before you watch the 2nd one
rob***********: second one?
Ank: I sent 2 videos
rob***********: i only got one
rob***********: "no forceps here"
Ank: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FzX4appuC4
Ank: ok - you saw that
Ank: no
Ank: watch the link I JUSt sent you :-)
rob***********: when i drop a benjamin i want the change in singles
Ank: hahaha
Ank: wait until she asks Shockwave what his favorite flavor is
rob***********: sour cream and onion son
Ank: hahaha
Ank: the best line
Ank: Word!
rob***********: this is awful
rob***********: awful-ly good!
Ank: it's like watching a little kid get his ass kicked in a karate competition
Ank: and the worst part is....
rob***********: the dancing in the pink outfit?
Ank: ...these guys all met somewhere and someone said "yo guys....I got this concept for a hype song about "Chips"
rob***********: "let's make it hype"
rob***********: soundwave saves the whole thing with the mouth drum
Ank: seriously
Ank: apparently she is all psyched up about drinking a snapple
Ank: the guy's name is..."Illiam Phatner"...he's not bad...not the best or worst I have heard...
rob***********: it's like the top of a clock or the bite of a tick
Ank: scratching 'cause you have an itch
Ank: look at the chick at 4:08
Ank: hilarious
rob***********: "it's like chips!"
rob***********: i wonder if the beastie boys started off like this
rob*********** is away at 5:30:22 PM.
rob*********** returned at 5:46:18 PM.
rob*********** signed off at 8:30:26 PM.

[NEXT DAY]

Ank: BITE OF A TICK!BITE OF A TICK!BITE OF A TICK!BITE OF A TICK!BITE OF A TICK!
Ank: iT'S like CHIPS~
rob***********: you have problems
Ank: I have CHIPS, buddy!
rob***********: is that a form of autism?
Ank: It's a form of idiocy that manifests itself into the subconscious, creating delusions of grandeur by making the individual hallucinate that he or she is an accomplished rapper who has street cred because they hang out with one black guy and a guy named "Illiam Phatner"
rob***********: but seriously
rob***********: the guy on the mouth drum....
rob***********: pretty hype
Ank: that's Shockwave, buddy
Ank: yeah - he's being held back
rob***********: that's DJ Shockwave to you
Ank: is it really, though?
Ank: I thought it was just "Shockwave"
rob***********: he didn't go to DJ school for 4 years to be called Shockwave
Ank: Sour Cream n' Onion, son....word!

Read more idiocy...

Friday, May 11, 2007

Howdy, stranger!


Welcome to Blunt Instrument. If this is your first time here, and you've come here from Unstable Gal's defunct site, you're in for a treat.

So have a look around. I'm nothing if not a good-natured host. Even to you anonymous trolls, y'all take a look around; I've got some pretty funny stuff on here, most of it dating back a few years, quite a bit of it about my own idiocy. I'm quite able to laugh at myself, and unlike some of you holier-than-thou motherfuckers, I try to learn from my mistakes.

But pardon me if I turn commenting off for a while; I'm not in the mood to deal with some of you goofy "lol... ROTFL...haha u r dum!" cretins just yet.

And while you're here, let me deliver a quick public service message. You're possibly here because you've decided to believe someone else's tired screed, namely that I'm a bad guy, that I have it in for you somehow, that I try and control things or want attention or that I worship Anna or that I'm just some kind of flunky for the Mutiny.

I'm not. I'm not racist, or an Islamophobe, or any of that. I'm my own person, with my own mind, and a very strong idea about right and wrong. I have this site, which I haven't updated in...god...months? And up until today, I didn't even feel like updating it anymore. It was pretty much shut down, too, until you numbnuts twerps came around here like some kind of weird pack of rabid dogs, all frothing at the mouth and shit. Well, I'm happy to see strangers, but I don't take kindly to idiocy, especially when you bring it to my doorstep without an invitation.

And in Mississippi, where I grew up, we shoot rabid dogs right in the street. Hell, didn't any of you read "To Kill A Mockingbird?" If not, you should. You might learn a thing or two about good and bad neighbors, and how to coexist peacefully.

Hence this message. Be nice to me, I'm nice to you. Follow the Golden Rule, and all that. Don't call me names, I won't be mean to you. I make a good neighbor, a great friend...and a terrible enemy.

Just so you know.

Salil


P.S. Nyaaaaah-nyaaaah!

Read more idiocy...